You & Your Family

Raising successful children in an age of uncertainty

Sep 2020 Champion runners like Sebastian Coe and Usain Bolt are famous. Ivan Fernandez is less known. Whilst the first two are known for setting world records, Fernandez’s claim to fame is coming in second in a race—when he could have been first. In that race, he had been trailing the frontrunner,...

The family in a post-COVID world

Aug 2020 The COVID-19 pandemic has impacted how we work, trade with others, study in schools, relate to our families and worship God. And because important areas of our lives have been affected, we should all the more think of ways to mitigate its ill effects. I would like to mention two...

Being in Limbo

Jul 2020 As I write this, Singapore is just coming out of its circuit breaker, a period of unprecedented measures of enforced social distancing. Even when the post-circuit breaker phase three ends, life as we know it will have changed. We have been told to be prepared for a “new normal”. What this...

Paradigm shift or game changer?

Jun 2020 Bearing in mind as I write that this article is scheduled to be published in June 2020, I am trying to visualise what our social environment then might be. I am not good at predictions—my dismal failure with investments attest to this—so let me stick to what I think I...

Surviving Social Distancing

May 2020 Social distancing is one of the strongest tools available to slow down community transmission of the COVID-19 virus. People are not to gather in groups, all nonessential movement outside of one’s home is curtailed, and schools and workplaces, unless deemed essential, are closed. These measures were unheard of barely three...

What’s in a name?

Apr 2020 Amid the emerging global health crisis, an intense discussion may have gone unnoticed. Whilst the larger part of the scientific community were busy trying to understand how the novel coronavirus is spread or to develop a vaccine, others were trying to find a name for it. Finally, on 11 Feb...

Rooms, drawers and boxes – What do we hide away?

Mar 2020 During a recent session with a couple, the wife used a metaphor to describe her view of her in-law troubles. She saw the parties involved as living in separate rooms and her husband as shuttling from one room to another. Their doors remained tightly shut and no-one else was to...

Being apart to be close

Feb 2020 I occasionally experience a sense of déjà vu – my clients’ issues, circumstances and dilemmas appear similar and yet are not the same. I felt it recently when three siblings—working adults in their mid-twenties to early thirties—came to consult me. A family conflict had led to the two older daughters...

In His good time

Jan 2020 As the elderly nursing home resident’s trust in the counselling intern grew, she candidly talked about wanting to die. She felt that having outlived her husband by almost half her life, she had no reason to go on living. She had lived a hard life and worked as a domestic...

A Most Precious Gift

Dec 2019 When our former pastor and his wife invited my wife and me to go together to Chiang Mai, it was not for a mission trip or a spiritual retreat. Instead, we took long walks in gardens and parks, visited local markets and museums, ate delicious northern Thai food and even...

Bearing my yoke and finding rest

Nov 2019 A client I saw last week has been married for close to 30 years. Over the last decade, he has been painfully aware that he has fallen out of love with his wife. They do not engage in open conflicts but rather, a cold war has descended upon the marriage....

You Only Live Once

Oct 2019 One of my roles in my job as counsellor is to be a clinical supervisor for counselling interns. As counsellors in training, they are given less complex cases to stretch their counselling “wings” by practising, under supervision but on real-life cases, the skills and techniques they have learnt in the...

Managing our sexual desires

Sep 2019 Noting both the Old and New Testaments mention sexual sin, a client remarked, “Why is there so much sex in the Bible?” The Bible does talk about the dangers of sexual sin, sometimes mentioning it together with the command to be faithful to God. Both are a call to holiness....

Defending the helpless

Aug 2019 On 17 March, the Straits Times reported a 30 per cent increase in child abuse cases in 2018 over the year before. Almost one in five of the cases involved sexual abuse. More recently, the newspapers covered the trial of a retired principal accused of molesting several students. Although reports...

Right Direction + Slow Persistent Effort = Progress

Jul 2019 The other day, my client’s husband was taken aback when she said she was no longer sure that she wanted to give their marriage a second chance, as she doubted that he was really interested in rebuilding their marriage. He had agreed to counselling after being found out for infidelity....

Walking to reinvigorate marriage

Jun 2019 Over the last four years, around the middle of each year, around May and June, my wife and I have taken leave from work to do long walks together—about 20 kilometres a day over a six-day period. We are sedentary urbanites who rarely walk more than 3000 steps on an...

Still quarrelling? It is a good sign

May 2019 I opened the counselling session with one of my usual questions to the couple: “How have things been?” The wife did not answer first; she wanted to see how her husband would respond. He paused and thoughtfully said, “Overall, things are better. We are improving, but we are still quarrelling.”...

Broken marriage, not broken lives

Apr 2019 As a family and marital therapist, I sometimes feel discouraged when working with a client who has decided to end their marriage. Like most of my professional peers, I see myself as helping rebuild marriages, not powerlessly witnessing their breakups. There is many a counsellor who wonders if they could...

There is someone out there who cares

Mar 2019 I once participated in a radio interview during which the presenter and I focused on the topic of emotional and psychological abuse by spouses. While some attention has been given to physical violence and laws exist to protect victims, there is so much more to be done for emotional and...

Breaking old patterns

Feb 2019 People are creatures of habit. Some habits, such as a habit of saving, serve us well. Others, like broken records, churn out the same tunes with annoying repetition. Some interpersonal conflicts resemble broken records. Although we see the futility of engaging in them, we seem powerless to resist the urge...

Contradictions or Truths

Jan 2019 “But I am happy,” he said clearly and defiantly, his rigid posture and furrowed eyebrows betraying tension. Upon revealing his conviction that his wife of almost 20 years did not love him or perhaps had never loved him at all, Peter asserted he was still “happy”. Often, we think of...

Christian cheer

Dec 2018 The Christmas season draws out a mix of emotions. Many families celebrate Christmas with feasting and merrymaking. Others dread the rush to buy the obligatory presents. Still others may feel sad if Christmas is associated with loss or loneliness. For those who are struggling with the pain of loss or...

Different, not deviant

Nov 2018 Of late, diversity has been a buzzword and is often seen as desirable. We see diversity in families too. Within a family, there might be grandparents who belong to the Pioneer Generation, parents who are Baby Boomers, and children who are Generation X or Y. Some family members might be...

Rituals and Routines

Oct 2018 She caught me right after service and confronted me with what seemed more like a statement than a question: “You crossed yourself. Are you Catholic?” I had made the sign of the cross during the service, not expecting anyone to notice. I had first learnt to do it when training...

Our footprints

Sep 2018 The flight was unusually turbulent, with the seatbelt sign flashing frequently and the pilot urging everyone to stay seated. Due, perhaps, to having watched too many documentaries on air crash investigations, I imagined the plane’s wings being ripped off from all the shaking, bringing imminent death. I began to wonder:...

When the will to go on is lost

Aug 2018 Within the same week in the past month, the media reported the separate suicides of two well-known personalities—Kate Spade, a fashion designer, and Anthony Bourdain, a celebrity chef. The tragedy of suicide leaves behind many loved ones and friends in confusion and distress. Experts estimate that for every self-inflicted death,...

Good salt

Jul 2018 While holidaying in Strunjen, Slovenia, I saw salt pans where salt has been extracted for seven centuries. In its heyday, demand was so high that the sea salt was called ‘white gold’. I could not help but think that salt is now so widely available that we take it for...

Prayers that define us

Jun 2018 Do you have a favourite prayer, one you often say or which resonates with you? One popular prayer is the Serenity Prayer (attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr). A widely-used, abbreviated version is: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can,...

Unity – The key to family life

May 2018 Every semester, I ask my counselling students to reflect on how their family has influenced their development. On average, one out of every three has stories of family strife. Some come from families where there is parent-child conflict. Others experience sibling rivalry. Parental favouritism may come into play too. Conflicts...

Hope and faith : are we believers?

Apr 2018 In the work I do, the word ‘hope’ seems a little out of place. As a family and marital therapist, I use psychology as a frame of reference for understanding my clients and guiding me on how best to assist them. Psychology, a science that seeks to study human behaviour,...

Making tough choices

Mar 2018 Recently, I have been reminded of how difficult it is to love and accept others unconditionally. Realistically, there may be only a handful of individuals whom we can claim to accept in spite of their failings. Even then, we may find our patience tested to the limits when these few...

Love of a lifetime: Two crucial factors

Feb 2018 Recently, I have been reminded of how difficult it is to love and accept others unconditionally. Realistically, there may be only a handful of individuals whom we can claim to accept in spite of their failings. Even then, we may find our patience tested to the limits when these few...

‘Killing them’ with love?

Dec 2017 I recently found myself drawn into a conversation between two ladies with contrasting views on parenting. One woman was worried that her daughter was “too good” for her own good. She was genuinely concerned about whether her 17-year-old daughter was sufficiently exposed to “the real world”. Her daughter would be...

What is a home?

Nov 2017 The phrase “Many are houseless, not homeless” stuck in my mind after meeting the Director of an organisation providing services for women in one of San Francisco’s counties. She had said this in response to my observation of there being many homeless people in the city. This image ended up...

Celebrating life’s milestones

Oct 2017 Not long ago, I arrived at a chronological milestone. My family surprised me with a gathering to celebrate the occasion. During the event, it seemed like I received as much attention and congratulations as someone who had just finished a marathon. What did I do to deserve such attention? That...

Starved of affection

Sep 2017 The United Nations estimated that as of 2016, there are 795 million people facing hunger in the world. This fact is hard to comprehend, and even harder to accept in a world which has the capacity of producing enough food to feed itself and where food waste is a growing...

What if “This is it?”

Aug 2017 "It's the journey, not the destination." I have had this statement addressed to me time and time again. Recently, a fellow walker said this when he noticed how eager I was to start hiking again after a brief rest. I admit I can be very focused on getting to my...

Be serious but not anxious

Jul 2017 It would be fair to say that most of us want to be good at what we do. The employee handing in a report he had been slaving over for days and nights will wait anxiously for his boss' response. A young child who brings a new "toy" he has...

Blood is thicker than water, but bile is bitter

Jun 2017 An exercise I always set for my students learning about Family Therapy is for them to write an essay about themselves and their family. I will get them to draw their family tree and to subsequently infer how their parents, grandparents, and events from their formative years may have shaped...

The message and the messenger

May 2017 In days of old, when messages were carried by persons rather than transmitted through mass media or the Internet, there was a common understanding that one should refrain from “killing the messenger”, especially when the message was unwelcome. These days, a common response to unwelcome news would be to categorise...

What type of listener are you?

Apr 2017

The irate husband looked in disbelief at his wife and said with a hint of frustration: “We had to come for counselling to say this?” He was responding to what he just heard from his wife, wondering why she could not have told it to him earlier in private. After…

Through grit, the way forward

Mar 2017

An article in the papers caught my eye some weeks ago. It was interesting because it seemed to say something different about marriage – something that, intuitively, I agreed with. Much of what is written about marriage these days is geared towards helping readers improve it and make it “great”….

Small deeds with great love

Feb 2017 As we were about to end our tea conversation, my friend made an unexpected proposal. She had clearly thought about it for some time and felt the need to broach it carefully. She paused, cleared her throat and asked me not to take what she was about to say in...

It’s all about our (self) image

Jan 2017 A new neighbour moved into a unit a couple of doors from my office a few weeks ago, specialising in aesthetics. A team of clinical-looking staff dressed in white coats soon appeared, and so did a steady stream of clients. I suspect that behind its pristine doors, staff would be...

Turning regrets to plans

Dec 2016 By the time this article is read, the year 2016 would be nearing its end. What has this year been like for you? Was it much like previous years or did it hold some surprises? Is its passing felt with regrets, relief or a sense of quiet satisfaction? The passing...

Asking the right questions

Nov 2016 The enquirer stated in her email that she was looking for a counsellor who was experienced and competent, as her husband could be a “difficult man”. I guess she meant he was not convinced that he had problems or needed anyone’s help to change. I have had a number of...

A time to ‘Man Up!’

Oct 2016 As a Family and Marital Therapist, I have learnt not to assume when couples come for marital counselling that they naturally want to save their marriage. Even so, when I posed to a husband the question of what he wanted from counselling, I found his answer somewhat confusing – he...

Pilgrims on a quest

Sep 2016 A word we do not often use to describe ourselves is that of being a pilgrim. This may be because the notion of being a pilgrim is rather foreign to many of us. It describes a person on a quest, usually a spiritual one. Whilst on this quest or search,...

Lessons along The Way

Aug 2016 My wife and I recently took a holiday unlike any other we ever had. For 10 days, we walked along an ancient pilgrimage route ending at Santiago, Spain, to a church where, as tradition has it, the bones of the Apostle James were laid to rest. Not being the outdoor...

Ignorance or arrogance?

Jul 2016 The field of counselling suffers from an acute lack of locally-written material, so when asked to review Kirby Chua’s book The Bible’s Secrets to Counselling, I jumped at the chance. Kirby’s book makes an interesting read. Well-informed in various counselling models and theories, he discusses the practice of counselling not...

Who do you go to bed with each night?

Jun 2016 The late Anthony Yeo, often acknowledged as the Father of Counselling inSingapore, once gave this advice: the television (TV) should be banished from the bedroom. He felt its presence would put an end to conversations in the bedroom, not to mention other more intimate couple interactions. Instead of following his...

Driven by our desire

May 2016 YouTube was all abuzz when an American actor declared that he had a “dirty little secret”: for some time, he had battled with an addiction to pornography. This started a flurry of postings and debate online. There were those who praised him for “coming out”and, through his brave admission, showing...

Unequal wealth, unequal giving

Apr 2016 I have never been one for figures. In school, Mathematics was one subject I never could get my head around despite my best efforts. I put it down to being born without a “chip” found in most brains. However, I do not think that I am alone in having difficulty...

Focused attention

Mar 2016 These days, with so many things demanding our attention and energy, giving our focused attention to what we are doing is often a challenge. We seem to be torn in so many directions that being able to multi-task is one of the prerequisites for life today. Yet can we really...

Standing the test of time

Feb 2016 Two postings in the newspaper’s ‘Obituaries’ section caught my eye the other day. The first was for a woman in her 90s. It carried a list of her clan of 35 family members, nine of whom were great-grandchildren. Some may view this with a sense of satisfaction on her behalf...

Possessions and Obsessions

Jan 2016 Our devices now allow us to stay connected 24/7, so we take our work into our bedrooms and even on holidays, such that it affects our work-life balance. Yet, are our devices to blame? I am on my fifth day of being without a possession which has not left my...

Numbering our days

Dec 2015 At our lives’ end, how will we account for the time given to us? The Psalmist reminds us to number our days, “that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom”. By the time you read this edition of Methodist Message, some of you would be winding down your work...

The curious connections of life

Nov 2015 Sometimes the most insightful discoveries come at the most unexpected times. Like what happened as I was doing my weekly ironing recently. I had been puzzling over a counselling session the day before. The couple in their late thirties looked comfortable with each other. They exchanged warm smiles throughout...

To solve or resolve

Oct 2015 A renowned couple therapist once stated that most problems faced by couples are not resolvable. This was baffling, given that it was said by someone whose career was in helping couples with their problems. Was this a statement of resignation, which came after years of facing the stark reality of seeing...

Conflict and reconciliation

Sep 2015 The week’s news is sadly all too familiar. Suicide bombings killing dozens, hate crimes targeting places of worship and an attack on a tourist site – mass murders, all in the name of ethnic or religious cleansing. By their frequency, these horrendous acts have reached a point of banality and...

Living in communities

Aug 2015 However, churches do not serve only as ‘petrol stations’ or entertainment hubs where we go to fill up or be uplifted. They are also places of mutual ministry. A recent conversation over lunch with a colleague led to the topic of which church we were attending. My colleague sheepishly confessed that she...

Growing older together in peace and harmony

Nov 2014 The four members of the Tan* family sat there in grim tension. The air was thick with anger and sadness. Elder Mr Tan muttered about how shameful it was to be seeing a counsellor, much like ‘washing dirty linen in public’. Blaming their family problems on Mrs Tan’s constant nagging,...

What are your teenagers ‘catching’?

Oct 2014 The family names are different but the situation sounds all too familiar. The adolescent first began to assert himself by pushing the boundaries of certain rules in the home, like how late he was allowed to ‘hang out’ with his friends. Then came an endless series of ‘why’ questions –...

Who is shaping your children’s minds?

Sep 2014 The harder reality is that we and our children are constantly bombarded by a slew of undesirable traits online, at the movies, on billboards, TV advertising posters and music videos. Recently, a seemingly uncontroversial institution, the National Library Board, found itself under the harsh glare of public discourse. It had removed...

Who’s the one that’s really poor?

Aug 2014 Poor street kids in Delhi, India, receiving free food. Picture by paul prescott/Bigstock.com What does our pattern of giving say about us? How would our Lord view our relationship with those who are less privileged, as revealed through our giving? If our Lord’s grace was measured to us as ours...

Preparing for adulthood

Jul 2014 Whilst schools do a reasonably good job of preparing a person vocationally, the task of imparting life and social skills begins and continues at home even when one has left formal schooling. A few months ago, I accompanied my friend to witness his son enlisting into National Service: taking the...

Caring beyond words

Jun 2014 Our human instinct is to congregate around someone who is grieving, to show support and solidarity with their loss, and perhaps with time to get them back into the swing of things. An oft-asked question is: “What can I say or do to help someone who is going through a...

Truth and falsehood

May 2014 Some years ago, when stickers, patches and buttons carrying various slogans were all the rage, there was one that gave a Christian take to an advertisement for a popular drink. It said “Jesus is the real thing”. It left readers to conclude for themselves what Jesus was to be compared...

Empowerment: A magic wand?

Apr 2014 I am reminded of a short chorus that goes: “There’s a river of life flowing out from me; makes the lame to walk and the blind to see; opens prison doors and sets the captives free!” I cannot forget the scene. There we were, about a dozen social workers and...

Exercising choice: Boon or bane?

Mar 2014 Some weeks ago, two stories that were unrelated news items caught my attention. The first was about a nine-year-old girl who was forced to wear a suicide vest in Afghanistan, and the second involved a British footballer who wore a fake suicide vest at a fancy dress party. In the...

When psychiatry and spirituality converge

Feb 2014 ... how the brain affects many aspects of human behaviour ranging from mental illness to how differently men and women fall in love. Last December, I attended a conference named “The Evolution of Psychotherapy”. Held every four years, it gathers leading researchers and clinicians in the fields of psychiatry, psychology...

Getting back on course

Jan 2014 James*, a professional in his mid-thirties, came to me for counselling because he was experiencing crises at many levels. It all began when his lover confessed that whilst on holiday overseas, she had a “one-night stand”. He felt betrayed and was devastated. After all, they had been together for eight...

Breakthroughs

Dec 2013 Being in a job where people engage you to talk of their woes and despair does not aff0rd you the opportunity to see many clients smiling or talking of heir successes. But this particular week was different; I had positive messages from two separate clients. Both came from women whom...

Making tough decisions

Nov 2013 What if it is difficult to live together in harmony? Do we stick to it and remain frustrated and embittered? Or do we live apart and maintain connections that are manageable? Have you ever had to make a decision where there are no good choices? The choice is not between...

Pure nostalgia or note-worthy?

Oct 2013 We need to strike a balance, as in so many things, between the past and the present. We need to have in our lives a place for things and practices from the past that are noteworthy, that are still of value. In the previous article, I talked about memory. Recently,...

A time to remember, forget?

Sep 2013 ...some people only remember the mistakes, setbacks and disappointments of life. They gloss over any upside that life has to offer and choose instead to focus on and remember the bad days. In her song “Big Yellow Taxi”, Joni Mitchell sings: “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t...

The slippery slope of deception

Aug 2013 I was physically and emotionally spent one late evening after a long day that included two difficult counselling cases, both of which had much in common. Both involved women who had been unfaithful, and had been found out by their husbands. In both instances, neither had any intention to leave...

The confusing art of communication

Jul 2013 THESE DAYS, it is becoming harder to know exactly what people mean when they communicate. An illustration of this was when a property agent proudly pointed out the special “pocket view” of the apartment we were viewing. It was one of the assets and selling points for that apartment. Try...

Failure in a world obsessed with success

Jun 2013 WE LIVE IN A WORLD obsessed with success. We all want to know who is the richest person (because the accumulation of wealth is an indicator of success), the youngest person who attained a PhD, the winners of Wimbledon or the Golf Masters and the top schools in the country....

Citizens, Permanent Residents and pilgrims

May 2013 I HAVE A CONFESSION to make. Although I carry a pink Identity Card and have completed all my National Service liabilities, I am not a citizen by birth. I was born in the town of Kuching, in the state of Sarawak, in East Malaysia. This fact has not escaped the...

What should be your attitude towards work?

Apr 2013 SINGAPOREANS ARE GENERALLY a hardworking people. The 42-hour work week is often exceeded without much fanfare or protest. The phrase “24/7” is synonymous with the call for us to be ready to work 24 hours a day and seven days a week. On the flip side, there are more entertainment...

Another look at tests and appraisals

Dec 2012 THESE DAYS, it is as if Darwinism has returned with a vengeance – though it is no longer “survival of the fittest” but now “survival of the smartest”. is thought drove home to me when I wondered why the Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) has become such a big national...

Be slow to judge others

Nov 2012 THOMAS* HAD EXPRESSED REMORSE for his actions as sincerely as he could. He oﬀered no excuse for his folly. His actions were a disappointment and a shock to his fiancée Amelia* and also to him. e two had been going steady for almost three years now and plans for a...

Too weary to go on

Oct 2012 THE TWO BOXERS SIT and exchange hateful stares with each other. They can hardly see each other clearly as their vision is blurred by sweat and fatigue. As the bell rings to signal the start of yet another round of combat, they stumble towards each other almost as if they...

Are you fighting your good fight?

Sep 2012 WE IN SINGAPORE live in a relatively peaceful corner of the world. We have been reasonably blessed with harmonious relationships in our interaction with the various segments of the community. Our last civil strife was in the 60s, beyond the living memory of most of us. The state of harmony,...

Revisiting the ‘old country’

Aug 2012 I RECENTLY GAVE MYSELF a little treat and made a short trip back to the “old country”. Singaporeans may have several “old countries” or countries of their forefathers, depending on how far back they trace their ancestry. For me, on my mother’s side, it is Kuching, Sarawak. My visit coincided...

Differently and wonderfully made

Jul 2012 “Sometimes, diﬀerences are experienced in an obviously pointed and painful manner. When this happens, I hope we will be prepared to allow God’s grace to work in and through us to make these relationships work better.” I OFTEN JOKE WITH MY WIFE that she is my cure for the disease...

The sound of silence, the blandness of salt

Jun 2012 A MISSIONARY WHO HAD RETURNED from the mission field was sharing with me some of the things he had observed, having lived abroad for some time. One was how accustomed we urbanites have grown to the noise around us that we do not notice it at all. It was only...

Vital to nurture a loving relationship

May 2012 LET ME BEGIN WITH A BRIEF WORD about the choice of this topic. Some might think it rather inappropriate for a Christian magazine. Others might feel rather uncomfortable about reading it. Still others might wonder if the topic of having sex should even be accompanied by the word good. All...

Selfless and self-love

Apr 2012 I HAVE JOURNEYED with this woman for almost 15 years now. I say “journeyed” as this is the word that can best describe my work with her over these years. It has a fuller meaning to it than the word “counsel”. How do you describe the process of walking with...

Forgiveness and healing

Mar 2012 RIGHT RELATIONSHIP “We begin this process of forgiveness not based on the merits of the individual to be forgiven or even our desire to want to rebuild our relationship. We begin with the sincere desire to be in a right relationship with God.” READERS OF MY PREVIOUS CONTRIBUTION to Methodist...

Go and sin no more

Feb 2012 WHEN A BAD AND UNEXPECTED THING happens to us, we often ask why. We want to know the reasons why it occurred. Nowhere is the search for rationale more pressing than when the distress is caused by someone we love and trust. I have often heard this question raised by...

What is happiness?

Jan 2012 “WHAT IS HAPPY?” is is the question that I often pose to my wife in response to her query about whether I am happy. It is a reply that I sometimes use to deflect her probing, but it also stems from a genuine uncertainty about the meaning of happiness or...

A secret do-gooder

Dec 2011 “We do not have to be enormously wealthy in order to help … You do not have to look too far for the needy. They are all around us, perhaps even sharing a pew with you.” I CONFESS THAT I SOMETIMES SHED TEARS watching these episodes. What I find moving...

Transitions can help us grow

Nov 2011 IN A FEW WEEKS’ TIME, members of some churches will be experiencing a change that is familiar to many, but not to all, church organisations; that is the rotation of its pastoral staﬀ. This move happens in every church and is greeted with mixed responses by the congregation. For most,...

Training animals and humans

Oct 2011 “I REHABILITATE DOGS AND I TRAIN OWNERS.” Mr Cesar Milan, who appears on the popular TV series “The Dog Whisperer” on the National Geographic Channel, reminds viewers of this dictum throughout the programme. I must say that as a Marital and Family Therapist who has seen some families bringing in...

A gift of nature, a reminder of perspective

Sep 2011 A FEW WEEKS AGO, my wife and I were surprised when we noticed a bird’s nest being built on the palm plant in our tiny enclosed yard. This unusual siting of the nest meant that it is just three metres away and at eye-level. To people like us who admire...

Generativity versus self-absorption

Aug 2011 ERIC ERICKSON, A FAMOUS PSYCHOLOGIST, introduced the theory that everyone develops through eight phases. One of these is the stage of Generativity versus Self-absorption or at times described as Generativity versus Stagnation, which was the subject of recent discussion between my client and me. She is in her mid-50s and...

The best motivation comes from within ourselves

Jul 2011 IN A RECENT MESSAGE from my daughter she wrote, “Come Dad, motivate me!” is rather unusual appeal comes from a student preparing for her first-year university examinations. If one does not know my daughter, one would think that this is a rather desperate plea. I saw it as a rather...

A most unusual but worthy prayer request

Jun 2011 PRAY THAT I can pee. is must be one of the most unusual prayer requests I have ever been given. Yet it is probably one of the most needful, sincere and, may I add, worthy requests made. Being able to pee, for this patient, is what stands between her discharge...

Battle not lost till you throw in towel

May 2011 THE SON WAS ACCOMPANIED by his mother for their first counselling session. “He is defiant,” she complained “and he never listens to me. We cannot get him to stop playing with the computer all day.” The 13-year-old sat there avoiding any eye contact with either of us and would only...

We are family – united in our grief

Apr 2011 “BY THE WAY, WHO ARE YOU?” or “Are you a family member?” These two questions were often asked by well-wishers at the wake of a dear friend who passed away recently. The questions were directed at a small band of helpers as we busied ourselves distributing refreshments, ushering, collecting love...

‘I too am a stranger’

Mar 2011 HE ENTHUSIASTICALLY EXTENDED HIS HAND and introduced himself. I am Isaac, he announced to my surprise as I had braced myself for a name that I assumed would be diﬃcult to remember. When Isaac adopted this rather quaint English name is unknown to me. I wondered if it was chosen recently...

Sharing our ups and downs

Feb 2011 MY DEFENCES ARE RAISED every time I am with a group of Christians and they begin to share. e word “share” has special meaning in Christian parlance. It denotes giving public testimony to the work of God in our lives. is is often understood as proclaiming victories over various diﬃculties...

The two faces of humanity

Jan 2011 “HOW INHUMAN!” my friend remarked with a tone of disbelief and disgust. He had just been sharing with me on how Organg Utans were being mistreated in Thailand. It seems that some are used as forms of entertainment during some Thai boxing bouts and even featured in pornographic films. My...

Regrets and letting go

Dec 2010 I HAVE ALWAYS tried to live my life without regrets: to not look back on decisions made earlier. I also try to avoid the disappointment of unmet expectations by moderating them and by focussing more on meeting the needs of loved ones and others around me. In this way, I...

On ministering to the youth

Oct 2010 I LOVE TALKING WITH YOUNG PEOPLE. By relating to them, I can understand why and how they cherish every moment of their life. I especially enjoy hearing them share their stories, life-experiences and “God moments”. I believe the youth whom we serve in the schools do not need great ideas...

The blessing of years

Oct 2010 “I AM OLD and I accept the practicalities of what being old means.” This was the one and only statement that she made with reference to the problems of being an elderly person. The practicalities included deteriorating eyesight and giving up some of her previous work positions in a charity...

A mother’s love: Best gift for her kids

Sep 2010 HE PROUDLY ANNOUNCED that his mother had promised that if he did well for his examinations, he would get an I-Phone. The school counsellor and I exchanged looks and concluded that this reward would cost his mother a third of her monthly salary. Just as I was recovering from this...

‘Let no man put asunder’

Aug 2010 WITH THESE SOLEMN WORDS, we are reminded that no man should be allowed to come between a husband and wife. Whilst most couples do their utmost to guard against this, the invaders that ultimately undermine a marriage can take shapes and forms that we least expect. I want to focus...

A workshop or a driving school?

Jul 2010 “DO YOU COUNSEL CHILDREN?” the anxious mother asked me, to know more about the counselling services I oﬀer. “Yes”, I replied and added, “I would like you and your husband to come too.” The couple turned up with the child in tow. They were eager to tell me all the...

Mercy or judgement?

Jun 2010 HELPING MY CLIENT consider what adjustment she would have to make when she divorces her husband, one consideration stands out clearly. “How will my church receive my decision?” she wondered aloud. She was long past deciding on whether to divorce or not. Now comes the equally diﬃcult step of thinking...

Marriage and money

May 2010 Maintaining marital harmony in a world of income disparity THE MODEL OF THE COUPLE where the husband is the sole breadwinner is fast becoming obsolete. For many households, wives would be working for much, if not for a significant, portion of their married life. With better education and improved employment...

What true confession means

Apr 2010 “I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU,” he said in a tone that sounded more like making a request as much as it was a statement of fact. I had been counselling this man and his wife for the last year. They had marital problems for some time and were first...

Forgive, yes. Forget …?

Mar 2010 I am text block. Click edit button to change this text. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut elit tellus, luctus nec ullamcorper mattis, pulvinar dapibus leo. HOW OFTEN HAVE WE HEARD THE EXPRESSION, “I can forgive, but I cannot forget”? Perhaps we too have said this on...

Rest, rest, rest and rest

Feb 2010 AFTER THREE ROAST TURKEYS and two major festivities to celebrate Christmas and New Year, I feel like one tired soul. This topic of tiredness was brought up to sharper focus when a client of mine recently shared his father’s observation of his colleagues after attending a Christian rally they organised....

Change and fresh beginnings

Jan 2010 THE NEW YEAR provides some with the renewed desire to attempt some change in their lives. We may promise to look after ourselves better by losing weight and exercising more or achieve a better work-life balance. Others may work on improving their relationship with their spouses or with their teenage...

The wisdom of ‘Let it be’

Dec 2009 IN CHURCHES THROUGHOUT THIS PERIOD, the Christmas Story will be read and retold again. I wonder what part of the story catches your attention. What aspects are you more drawn to? Diﬀerent scenes are especially poignant to us at the various stages in our lives. The part that has recently...

UNEQUALLY YOKED

Nov 2009 THE VERSE “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Cor: 6:14) may be familiar to some of us. The metaphor of the yoke, a farm tool linking two animals together, so that they may pull a plough or a cart, conveys the importance of finding synergy in a...

Living with the reality of death

Oct 2009 INITIALLY, WE WOULD GATHER at weddings. Then it would be at our children’s birthday parties. Now, we bump into old friends when there is a death, sometimes of a parent and sometimes of a mutual friend. Such events invariably leave us feeling awkward, saddened with grief and even anxious for...

Disciplining the child is parents’ duty

Sep 2009 “WAIT, UNCLE BENNY (WILL) GET ANGRY,” the father warned his son as he looked sheepishly in my direction. For the last 15 minutes, “Denis” was amusing himself with his toy cars and had used his seat as a race track. I tried my best to ignore him and focus on...

Profit and Loss

Aug 2009 “FOR WHAT DOES IT PROFIT a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his life? For what can a man give in return for his life?” (Mark: 8. 36-37). The words from these verses came to me as I listened to a wife describe the changes she saw in...

Compassion as Christian duty

Jul 2009 SHE LOOKED straight at me in the eye and asked the question most marriage counsellors dread to hear, “So, do you think that there is any hope in saving this marriage?” There is one thing one needs to know about marriage counsellors and that is we never give a straight...

REACH OUT

Who are you a neighbour to?

Sep 2020 Who are you a neighbour to? The COVID-19 pandemic continues to affect our lives, despite the easing of control measures. For those who have fewer resources and are more likely to lose their jobs, the impact is substantially heavier. From a Christian perspective, the current pandemic is providing followers with...

Education as a missions endeavour

Sep 2020 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Prov 22:6) Japanese gardens provide a stunning visual experience—trees are beautifully shaped in ways that are very pleasing to the eye. The clever gardener can envision the potential beauty of...